Daddy

On April 17^th 2013, the world lost a father, husband and son.  Two years on and I still can’t believe that our Dad is gone; that on this day two years ago, it would be the last time we saw him alive. It breaks my heart.

They say time mends a broken heart…but when someone you love dies, they take a little piece of your heart with them. You can’t mend, fix or forget that hole, but you do have to learn how to live with it. It’s always there, making your heart ache when you think a lot about how that person you love is no longer alive. As the days go by, you realize that it’s okay to be sad, and it’s equally okay to be happy. Although, the latter is harder to accept – it feels like you shouldn’t be happy, shouldn’t laugh. But, that’s not true…your loved one would want you to be happy, to enjoy life, even though they are no longer there to enjoy it with you. They wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your days being miserable and taking for granted the beauty of life…something they no longer have.

Likewise, it’s okay to break your heart, sob and be angry. It’s okay to scream into your pillow or cry yourself to sleep. The fact you’ve lost somebody you loved so much, that, suddenly, they’re just not there… It’s unbearable. The pain of losing somebody you love is something that you can never be prepared for. You’re not taught how to cope with this at school; it’s something you have to learn how to live with by yourself and those around you. I can’t count on my hands how many times I’ve completely broken down over the last two years and wondered how I am going to be able to move forward. How overwhelming it is to think how unfair it is that somebody so good, could be taken away so fast; someone that everybody loved, and thought the world of.

But then, isn’t that lucky? Isn’t it lucky that they were loved so much that they’ll be missed so much? Is that a morbid thought? Dad has left behind a legacy of a hero – to us, our family, friends and football fans. He’s gone; but he hasn’t, and won’t ever, be forgotten. We can’t change the fact that he died, we couldn’t have stopped him having cancer and we will never fully recover from the heartache from missing him. What we can do, is continue to carry on his legacy – try our hardest every day to be brave and pass on his positivity, memories and achievements. We can reflect on memories and share those memories, like we are now, with you.

We must learn to live with the fact he won’t be in our future memories (a thought that tears us apart inside); Dad can’t grow old with Mum, and won’t get to see Amy and I get married. Maybe he won’t be there to meet his Grandchildren, but I’ll tell you this – they’ll know everything about their Grandad Paul, we’ll make sure of that. They will know how much he would have loved them and how they will always have their very own guardian angel watching over them.

It is saddening even to write about this, but writing is cathartic…therapeutic; a way of processing the thoughts in your head. You can write a book or blogposts, like us, or a diary. It’s incredibly difficult to admit that Dad has died and isn’t coming back. We won’t hear him talk or laugh, and we can’t ask for his advice or tell him about our achievements. We can’t give him a cuddle and a kiss, and we can’t make memories together. All of this, after two years, is still hard to accept. The longer that goes by, it seems, can sometimes be the hardest – it means that it’s longer since we last saw him, spoke to him and cuddled him.

So how do we cope? How do we smile and enjoy our lives, you may ask. The truth? We just do. We fight on like the three musketeers, knowing that by trying our best to be strong (and accepting when we’re not) is something to be proud of, and something that would make Dad proud too. Imagine the person you love smiling down, watching over you and taking care of you still. It doesn’t matter if you’re religious, or if you aren’t. What matters is that you believe that the person you love is still in your heart, with you every day. We are surrounded by supportive friends, family and football fans; without this, it’s impossible to think how we would have coped, so thank you to those who have always been there for us.

Appreciate each day you have in the world, and all the people around you who love you. Live a life you love; a life you are happy with. You never know how long you, or they, have left. We were lucky to be so close to our Dad and create the most incredible memories in the time that we had with him; something we can treasure forever and nothing – not even death – can ever take that away from us.

Rest in peace Daddy, our little angel that we’ll see again one day, when we’ve all been laid to rest. Until then, you’ll be in our hearts every day.

We love you, always.